We all want someone in our lives that we connect with and who “gets us” the way we want to be seen and heard. That’s a soulmate, and our Austin-based Resonance Repatternist, Mary Schneider, reveals what it means, and how to find one.


Soulmate? Is there really such a being? There are many ways to look at this concept, and probably everyone has their own definition. There is also a significant amount of scientific research suggesting the very real existence of soulmates. In fact, there are even different types of soulmates. Who knew?


Historically, I scoffed at the idea of a soulmate. A former spiritual teacher alluded to the idea of a ‘soulmate’ being antithetical to wholeness. The theory is that we are whole in and of ourselves and do not need another to complete or enhance who we are. I have adopted this explanation. However, after my research, my mind cracked open a bit. Leonard Cohen writes in his song, Anthem, “There is a crack, a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” It turns out soulmates are a lovely, healthy construct.


One common thread most writers agree upon is that a person can have more than one soulmate. Life-long romance is not a qualification. In fact, we have many soulmates. In her article, What Is a Soulmate–And How to Know if You’ve Found Yours, Christine Coppa writes about all the different types of Soulmates. There are Romantic Soulmates, Soul Partners, Karmic Soulmates, Companion Soulmates, Kindred Soulmates, and Soul Contracts.


At my high school reunion this past summer, I encountered a Soul Partner. This was unknown to me at the time. A Soul Partner is a rare individual one hasn’t set eyes on in (in my case) decades. When reunited, time, distance, and separation melt away. The connection is deep and somehow feels permanent. Friends can also be soulmates, as we certainly know. This is known as the Companion Soulmate. Coppa describes it this way: “Friends are an essential part of our lifetime journey, and those of the soulmate type help us laugh when we’re in pain, nurture us when we’re suffering, flow with us when we’re riding high, challenge us to be real, love us with our warts, and never abandon us in anger. And we do the same with them.”



Amir Levine, MD, in his Washington Post article, Are Soulmates Real? concurs. He writes, “We’re all born with the brain neurocircuitry to see another person as more special than anyone else.” The fact that we can replicate this experience over and over is why we can have more than one soulmate.


He continues, “Biologically speaking, close friendships are a type of soulmate too. We know that close friends have similar brain patterns. A study this year found that close friends smell more alike than people who didn’t form close relationships. We look at someone, smell them, and they just make sense to us.” Yes, it all comes down to the sense of smell–as is customary in the animal kingdom.


In addition to smell, there are some psychological reasons for being drawn to a person. Many people are attracted to people like their parents. This could lead to a positive connection if the parental relationship was loving and supportive. However, if the parental bond was a painful and traumatic attraction, then a soulmate is not necessarily there. Much of this is not a conscious choice, as it originates on the subconscious level. Sometimes people will declare, “I feel like I have known them all my life.” They have. This realization can lead to deep healing and breaking of stubborn, painful patterns in relationships.

A family and marital psychotherapist, Dr. Michael Tobin is an expert on soulmates. He has over 40 years of experience in this field and is the creator of WholeFamily.com. In his article, How to Know You’ve Met Your Soulmate, he implies that the soulmate relationship is not co-dependent. Co-dependence infers a certain inherent neediness, which does not present in a soulmate connection. Unlike a co-dependent bond, feelings and needs are expressed between soulmates.

He explains, The best universal definition of a soulmate is feeling deeply connected to another person but not in a dependent or needy way. The guiding principle in a relationship between soulmates is that needs are equally met because a soulmate relationship should challenge you to move from selfishness to giving.”

In this context, a relationship with a soulmate is healthy, balanced, and loving. It isn’t about not being a whole person. The point is to assist one another in becoming whole. It’s beautiful, deep, and mysterious. Soulmates aspire to unity. It’s also very meaningful–the kind of relationship everyone wants in their life.