We all want someone in our lives with whom we connect and “gets us” the way we want to be seen and heard. That’s a soulmate, and our Austin-based Resonance Repatternist, Mary Schneider, reveals what it means and how to find one as you begin or deepen your phase of coupledom.

WEDDED BLISS

Weddings and romance engender lots of tropes––and romantic ideas. And drama, of course. Everyone has their ‘crazy’ wedding stories. Issues abound–perfectionism reigns. Every detail is poured over and scrutinized. If one pays close attention, the energetic vibrations of a fairy tale are revealed. This is heady and transmissible. That’s why we love them.

I once shared an office with one of the premier wedding consultants of the 80s and 90s. The mothers of the brides would arrive. Pleasantries would be exchanged, and inevitably, she would inquire, “What had so and so’s wedding cost?” My friend would divulge the price, and the mother would reply, “Please make my budget $5K more.” The business end of a multi-billion-dollar industry, I thought at the time, was just a trifle cynical.

Later, after becoming an ordained minister and officiating several delightful, lovely wedding ceremonies, it became clear I was most interested in how this would work––over time. In the past, I have written a lot about parenting. Specifically, exploring the idea that our parents teach us how to be a mom or dad, and how to overcome the pitfalls they may have encountered.

Just as it is with parenting, coupledom depends to a large degree on how a couple’s parents manage their own marriages. As in parenting, if couples get help, marriage can be awesome and fulfilling. Unfortunately, people are not given much training in parenting or marriage skills. We are required to know more to get a driver’s license than we need to be a parent. If we do not receive any education about raising children, we will eventually fall back on and follow what our parents did––for good or bad. It is the very same with marriage.

What did the parents model in their coupledom? How did they solve problems; what roles were assumed; were the parents happy with those roles? Was divorce involved? Infidelity? Money issues? Substance abuse? How does one raise healthy, happy children? As a therapist working with potential marriage partners and veteran couples for the past 25 years, I have always known the questions hovering in the background of the Big Day would journey to the foreground soon enough. We ask ourselves, “How do we go about being in a successful marriage?” Sometimes, these weighty matters are discussed before the ceremony, but often they are not. As we all know, part of the fairy tale suggests it will work out after all–happily ever after.

Historically, tradition has suggested the fallacy that one must make their partner ‘happy.’ In truth, what works is when each partner brings their own happiness to the relationship, potentially creating a bond where happiness can be shared. This is the ideal but rarely accomplished easily. The writer I refer to below puts it this way, “The nitty gritty personal history always overtakes ideals.” What would make this kind of shared happiness attainable? Where can we start?

WIRED FOR LOVE

In his book, Wired for Love, author and psychologist Stan Tatkin proposes married couples create a “Couple Bubble.” Mutuality is the answer. He writes, “’Couple Bubble’ is a term I like to use to describe the mutually constructed membrane, cocoon, or womb that holds a couple together and protects each partner from outside elements.” He defines the “Couple Bubble” as “an intimate environment partners create and sustain together.” This environment is its own ecosystem, assuring a few inalienable rights.

He enumerates the rights: “I will never leave you. I will never frighten you purposely. When you are in distress, I will relieve you, even if I am the one who is causing the distress. Our relationship is more important than my need to be right, your performance, appearance, what other people think or want, or any other competing values. You will be the first to hear about anything and not the second, third, or fourth person I tell.”

When I think about it, this is the ideal treatment for a parent/child relationship, too. Tatkin goes on to explain how mutuality can be established in many different conditions. What do we do at a party to maintain the “Couple Bubble”? Safety and security are the hallmarks of this methodology. If this agreement between two people is kept intact, when the relationship is challenged, it can prove to be the only thing holding it together. We can move on from there in a positive direction.

The first time I encountered this concept, I was intrigued because I could immediately envision the ‘bubble’ in my mind. Decades ago, a therapist recommended I “bubble up” in stressful situations. I would imagine myself walking in a big, beautiful, impenetrable sphere, and it seemed to work. However, I never transferred that imagery to include people with whom I was in a romantic relationship. It would have been helpful.

Considering the incredible number of variables in the human psyche and condition, it is a wonder we effectively engage in intimate relationships at all. We are courageous and keep getting back ‘in the arena.’ This concept is one way to think about your marriage at any point in time, but it is highly recommended at the beginning––right along with the wedding plans.